This heartbreaking letter to make anyone who has ever lost a loved one shed a few tears was written by Taylor Ford.
To whom it may concern:
As bitter as I would like to be, I know this is what he wanted so: congratulations on your new organ!
You have overcome a great obstacle which I am sure seemed impossible at times. A new organ – whether it’s a heart, lungs, a kidney, or a liver — breathes within you, and I want you to know that I recognize the battle you have fought to get here. For facing what you’ve faced, and overcoming what you’ve overcome, you deserve to be congratulated. You are alive and I hope you are well. Simply because that fresh, new, functioning organ that has given you the life your body so deeply craved, was once the love of my life.
I don’t know anything about you, and you know equally little about me. What I do know however, is that we have both participated in the cruel torture of the hospital waiting room game. My waiting game consisted of a quick phone call, paramedics, followed by nurses, then a life flight to New Orleans, followed by doctors, six days in a hospital, and ultimately followed by surgeons. My waiting game ended in heartbreak and loss.
Your waiting game was a little bit different I’m sure; although much longer and no less emotionally ravaging. It is an odd comfort to me that yours ended on a better note than mine. Because it was a gift my love gave that allowed for that. Whether you consider this new organ a blessing, a gift, a stroke of luck or purely the end result of a waiting list — I hope you make the most of it. Because before giving you a new life; that fresh and healthy organ gave my boyfriend a life full of joy for 20 years. 20 short years.
I’m so thankful I was able to know him the last several years, and love him for the past four. He took my breath away when I first saw him and he completely stole my heart. He was the most romantic boy I’ve ever known; he was real and he was flawed. I saw bits of his darkness and loved him all the more. And he loved me all the same.
He loved my 2 PM anxiety and my 2 AM depression. He was the kind of guy you meet and from then on you are forever changed.
Losing him was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me all at once. Every day my lungs refuse to take in air. My muscles refuse to expand and contract to relieve me. There are days where I gasp and ache for air that only comes in short insufficient bursts. Days when breathing is no longer the thoughtless process that it should be.
Days where I plead with my head and heart to stop thinking long enough for me to inhale, exhale, and repeat. There are days I feel so numb that I have to check to see if my heart is even beating. I feel as if I’m just watching my world fall apart and all I can do is stare blankly and watch.
As much as I hate this pain; I know that it is such a blessing to know this kind of pain, to have had someone who made saying goodbye so hard.
The reality is that the thought of my sweet boy’s heart continuing to pump and his lungs continuing to breathe is such a beautiful idea. And as much as his organ donation may be a gift to you, truth be told, your acceptance of his organ is a gift to me.
Knowing that a piece of him lives on provides me with an odd sense of comfort that goes beyond expression.
Even in death; he gave life.
Sean Frazier will forever be my hero.
So once again, congratulations. I hope you live your life to the fullest.