What I Didn’t Know Before I Had Kids

How to change a diaper in the dark, in a parked car, on a standing toddler – simultaneously.


Which lines of The Cat in the Hat and If I Ran the Circus can be skipped
over without a child noticing.

How bright the full moon is at 3 a.m.

The design marvels of hooded towels, Velcro-strap shoes and mitten clips.

How many seconds it takes to microwave 4 fish sticks perfectly.

Who John Jacob Jinkelheimer Schmidt is.

Locations of public restrooms all across town.

Why anyone would bother retracing their steps for miles just to retrieve
a lost blankie or favorite cuddle toy.

That tigers live in the trees in our backyard.

The amazing Technicolor variety of colors found when changing a

How to open a van door while bobbling 2 lunch boxes, two extra coats, a purse, a diaper bag and a baby.

The fine art of vacuuming a floor without hosing up a Barbie shoe or a
Playmobil cannonball.

That solid white socks get lost in the dryer at a much slower rate than
do the mates of patterned socks that coordinate to special outfits.

How little sleep a human body truly needs to function.

Almost every favorite toddler lyric ever penned.

How to spell amoxicillin, let alone say it.

That one can never own too many sippy cup lids or refrigerator magnets.

Scientific names of dinosaurs from A to Z.

That reverse psychology really works.

The recipe for a homemade version of Play-doh.

That Duplo and Lego blocks procreate in the night.

The distinctive sounds of Cheerios crunching underfoot.

Why they call them Happy meals.

How far you can dilute juice so it still retains its taste.

That man (or child, anyway) really can live on peanut butter alone.

That gender inequality starts early in clothing: Boy’s underpants have  a wide band on top, while the waistband and leg holes on girls look the same, increasing the odds that a little girl will put them on sideways or upside down.

Sesame Street’s air time.

That the more my kids learn, the less I seem to know.

The blessedness of naps and the inviolate importance of routines.

And the one I wanted to add…

How much you could love one human being!


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